7 years ago this December my Father past away. At the time it was hard to focus, it was hard to breathe, I'll even admit it was hard to live. My dad and I had one of those relationships that was close but could've been closer. Don't get me wrong I loved him a lot but sometimes we didn't always get each other. That was until I went to college and then for some reason we totally clicked, we found that groove and bonded.
5 days after college graduation and 3 days after Christmas I got the call to come back home. You see I had come home for a few days over the holidays but I just HAD to get back so that I could work so I left that day and headed 2 hours away back to the college town. My mom didn't call me she called the boy I was with at the time to bring me up. I knew deep down what was coming but she didn't even tell him what she needed.
By the time I got there he was dead from a blood clot to the brain. I lost it for a few minutes but then I managed to pull myself together and do the one thing I am excellent at doing. I shoved my pain, anger and distress down so deep that I wasn't going to be able to touch them for at least a year. In fact I was so angry at GOD that I managed to avoid him for a whole 5 years.
Recently though I have realized how much healing time I lost by blaming myself and God. Simply by being angry with God I was loosing out on his mercy and love. I still struggle at times with this like yesterday was pretty hard it would've been Dad's 60th but I made it through (although I did sleep a lot) LOL today is just rough b/c its rough and there are going to be somedays like that. Somedays that just seem harder then the rest for no reason.
And yet I know that God is there for me holding my hand when I need it. Giving me a hug and reassuring me with his love that he loves me. On those really rough days though God is there picking me up and carrying me to where I can find the most rest and peace. If you find yourself in this funk as I like to call it cry out to God and let him work in your heart. The only way to find peace is to ask for it.